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The REAL First Thanksgiving
Another fine example of you-can't-believe-what-you're-taught…
After much research, I've managed to uncover the true events of America's first Thanksgiving.
While digesting a huge helping of butterflied ox liver leftover from
yesterday (don't believe that crap about turkeys, it's all just marketing
hype concocted by Norm Schnurd, a giant in the industry), I began to wonder
just how it all came about. So, I hopped online to the trusty WWW,
and did some heavy research while drinking beer. Or was that drinking
beer heavily while doing some research? I don't really remember, but here's
what I have concluded:
Once upon a time there was a lonely prince who lived in a huge cas--- oops, wrong story!
Thousands of years ago, back in the 1700's, the British ruled the world. Well most of it anyway, at least the parts with the English people in them, and a bunch of others, too. But, the British weren't very nice to the Americans, and so they decided to leave England and set out on their own.
They had heard of a land called Oooshkalammabuttywanker, which was Indian for "Get your finger out of my pudding", which sounded like a haven they could make their home in, and it was decided that this is what they would do. They would make a pilgrimage to the New Land in the spring, and from that point on they were known as "idiots who will probably drown halfway across the ocean" Approximately 200 settlers, including their families and neighborhood wenches would make the journey. Many would die from sleeping in cramped quarters with their chickens and sheep (or so we are told), but most would survive, only to be accidentally mistaken for spider crabs and shot by the Indians as they landed upon the shore. Upon losing several of his best men, John Smith (the name he always gave when asked who he was by the wenches) decided they must quickly befriend these Indians, or face losing his best crew to clam boils. That, and they needed to brew some beer.
John Smith (not his real name, of course) made arrangements with Squatting Goose, one of the local Indians, to meet and set up a truce with them. An agreement was then made, stating that the Pilgrims (as they were now known, since they were now in America) would only take from the Indians what they needed to survive, which would simply be anything between where they were standing and the next ocean in a westerly direction.
This called for a huge celebration. As the Indians had already sold the rock they were standing on to some guy that had traded it for several acres of swamp land in Florida, as well as a "bridge that pass over brook line", according to the Indian real estate records dated within that period, this spot would become community property, but they would reclaim it later. These Indians were very crafty indeed, and in return for their haul, they agreed to feed the Pilgrims all they could eat during the feast.
For several days the feast would go on, with many foods being served
that were new to the Pilgrims. A young warrior name All Gored Snake
offered his finest pelts to the Pilgrims, but it was a ploy to befriend
them in order to gain access to their muskets and other valuables in the
future, when he would steal them, unsuspected.
Another warrior, Gorges On Berry Bush, tried to do the same, but it
was too late-- All Gored had already befriended the Pilgrims in the camp.
Learning of All Gore's trickery, Gorges On Bush decided to make another
camp nearby, and coaxed several of the Pilgrims to join him.
This led to much bickering as the years went by and the winters grew tougher. Whale oil was in tight demand, and the Pilgrims were promised huge amounts of food and other supplies, including exquisite hand-weaved quilts and freeze-dried lima beans. The beans, highly regarded as a source of warmth several hours after digesting them, became a prized target of both camps.
The Indian Chief, knowing that he suffered many diseases from camping with promiscuous squaws, knew that bleak times were on the horizon for them all. The land would not support the voracious appetites of the Pilgrims, who had become accustomed to all the fried clams they could eat for just 7 wampum (about $1.66 by today's standards). Over the years his warriors were becoming fat and dumpy, too slow to chase even the laziest of bucks through the forest. But, the Chief also knew neither camp would submit to his proposals, and there would surely be much heavy fighting if he tried to impose his wisdom.
The Chief thought long and hard, but the answer continued to evade him
for many days and nights.
Several days later, the Chief performed a sacred ritual, and began
to burn some forbidden leaves among the coals. He allowed them to
smoke profusely around him, but he did not inhale it. A few
hours later, in a natural-drug-induced dream the answer came to him: He
would appoint a small group of the elders in the tribe to vote for
who would become the new Chief, hopefully to continue the security and
wealth they had become accustomed to.
Meanwhile, the two warriors, All Gored Snake and Gorges On Bush, were nearly at each other's throats in an attempt to rule the camps. The Pilgrims, fearing for their lives, decided it best to hide out until the fighting was over, and quietly fled to a barren wasteland that barely supported life, but it was a small step better than the certain death they faced where they had settled. They would name the new camp Joisey-- Indian for "land of brown corncob"
Meanwhile, back in Oooshkalammabuttywanker, the two warriors faced an
even bigger problem: The vote by the elders had somehow gone awry, and
many of the Voting Lobsters did not have the proper eye plucked out, as
was the method of deciding who would become Chief. (If the right eye was
plucked it signified a vote for All Gored Snake, while plucking the left
would signify supporting Gorges on Bush.)
Apparently, several of the Voting Lobsters had neither eye plucked
while the antennae was removed from one side of the head, while others
had both eyes plucked. A few even had eyes that were plucked, but still
hanging from the Voting Lobster.
Confusion rose heavily, and the Pilgrims decided to call it quits before they might be named the blame for such a historical disruption in the Indian's lives. Surely if they were blamed, there would be hell to pay, and John Smith wanted no part of this. Secretly, he contacted a beautiful young Indian Princess, Pokes On Haunches,. and convinced her to help him.
Although she was only 16, her beauty engulfed him. He could not resist her supple young body, and soon he succumbed to his desires. They later wed, gaining John Smith a high position among the Indians: He was named Secretor of Estate (Indian for "disappears into woods with young goat)-- a fitting position, since he was an early ejaculator. Of course upon marrying him she instantly began to change physically, and became extremely homely within a year's time.
John Smith believed this lofty position would serve him well, and eventually
he might become the Chief. But one day while discussing this with
his wife, he learned that she had other plans: All the while, as
the two camps were fighting, she had been secretly making deals with the
Team Who Stirs- the elders- and had secured their support. When the Chief
died, she would become the First Princess to rule America!
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