2. You gotta like beer.  A LOT.  (MO-Ron cells have two basic needs upon which they depend for survival:  Beer and Snacks)  Snacks, of course, are used to wash the beer down; they may consist of most anything you wish to eat at a given moment- if it happens to fall on the floor and roll under that appliance you've been meaning to clean for several years, don't let that stop you.  After all,  frequent feeding promotes a healthy brain cell.

3. (I forgot)

4. Being a MO-Ron is MUCH more than performing MO-Ronic stunts, it's KNOWING that we did. (The average fool has no clue.)  We can therefore be proud of these accomplishments,  perhaps even winning prizes for reporting them to The Chief.
 (The Chief is THE most high and mighty doer of MO-Ronic deeds, having devoted his entire life to performing some of the most outrageous stunts imaginable- just because they needed doing)

5. Pretty much, anything goes, with a few very important exceptions::   a) You should probably be alive; drinking beer is a bitch through a casket;   b)  Anyone currently engaged in any sort of relationship with Bill Clinton need not apply- you're no MO-Ron,  you're simply stupid;
c) If you have genital herpes, hemophilia, scrotum cancer, or a pitchfork protruding from your left eye, you may want to consider washing your hands before typing notes to me. Not that it will affect me, but those around you will thank me for it.

Well, that's about it!  So, ya think ya qualify, eh?  Before you make a fool  of yourself (as compared to an Official MO-Ron!), why not take a look at these genuine, for-real, honest-to-goodness everyday events that demonstrate the basic qualities of a true MO-Ron.     Let's see if YOU qualify! And if so, be sure to let me know! The fame is useless, the rewards are few! HAH!

Here are some examples of just how a MO-Ron acts, as compared to the average fool...
 Give yourself 5 points for each circumstance below under which you have (or would have) done the same as the MO-Ron.

1.
The Fool:   Suddenly realizing that his car is about to run out of gas, quickly seeks out a nearby filling station , full of tension over the possible need to walk.

 The MO-Ron:    Approaches the nearest gas station, and punches the gas pedal to the floor to ensure a good head of speed in case the vehicle runs dry en route to the station 11 miles up the road- where it's 3 cents cheaper per gallon.  (A very savvy being, the MO-Ron will use this very excuse if by chance he's pulled over for speeding:  " Sorry, Officer- I had to hurry up and get to a gas station before I ran out."
 

2.
The Fool:   Attempts to ride a toboggan down a very steep slope that's been covered with ice during a recent storm.

The MO-Ron:   Attempts to ride a toboggan down a very steep slope that's been covered with ice during a recent storm.  In the dark.  Standing up.  Over the ski jump.  Just to the left of the huge pipe sticking out of the ground.  The one right next to the big tree.  The big tree that sent close to a hundred kids to the hospital during the day when they went over the ski jump. Sitting down.
 

3.
 The Fool:  Pulls a butane lighter out of his pocket, swallows some of the gas, and lights it- emitting a nifty puff of flame from his mouth.

 The MO-Ron:  Pulls out the can of butane refill,  sucks down about 1/3 of it, and proceeds to blow a fireball 3 feet long out of his mouth for several seconds, before closing his mouth and blowing two flames out his nostrils like a dragon for a few more.  Feeling the hairs on his head and face begin to burst into flames, returns to the larger, mouth-induced flame to finish the stunt before exploding from within.

4.  The Fool:  Goes to get dad's truck to tow a 400 lb. mushroom boat anchor, which will surely damage the weak bumper on the truck.
 
 The MO-Ron:  Says "Hey, watch THIS trick!" as he picks up the anchor and jogs with it toward the truck.  ( This, of course only leads to other, more intense tricks which eventually cost the MO-Ron his spine...)

5.
 The Fool:  Orders a "Flaming Shot" at the bar, snuffing out the flame as he pops the drink into his mouth.

The MO-Ron:   Grabs a large glass, fills it with brandy, and lights it. Then tosses the glass back, mouth  wide open, so that others in the room may enjoy the ball of blue flames emerging from his throat.

6.
 The Fool:  Spends most of his money on wine, woman and song.
 The MO-Ron:  Makes his own beer, and spends  all of the money he saved on snacks.

7.
The Fool:  Looks at his partially filled glass of beer as half empty.
 The MO-Ron:  Looks at his partially filled glass of beer and says "Shit, I wish I had a bigger glass."

8.
 The Fool:  Writes articles like this one.
 The MO-Ron:  Reads them.

9.
 The Fool:  Worries that his Beer Fridge may not quite hold enough beer for the weekend.
 The MO-Ron:  Has enough Beer Fridges that he's worried if he'll have enough electricity for the    weekend.

10.
The Fool:  Is featured on decks of cards everywhere.
 The MO-Ron: Is known to carry his MO-Ron card everywhere.
 
 

SCORING:

A. Turn left . (After all, they did it.)
B. Ignore them and floor it. They'll wait.
C. Wait for them to go, even though they died of a heart attack a
    few minutes earlier.
D.  Invite them to your house for  a beer.
 
 

2. If you are driving down the highway and blow a tire, you should:

A. Keep driving at 75 mph to reach your destination- after all, that rim is solid steel, and that
    stupid tire was only made of rubber.
B. Call the IRS auditor on your cell phone to tell him you don't give a damn WHAT time he wants
    your appointment is, you'll get there when you can.
C. Stop immediately to fix it.  Even though you'll be sticking your rear end out into the travel
    lane as you work, nothing will go wrong.
D. Post a picture of yourself with the tire on the internet
 
 

3.  If you are driving down a lonely country road and run out of gas you should:

A.  It's a nice day in the mid-90's, perfect weather to push the car 11 miles to the next service
     station.
B.  Break out those cans of beans from the picnic basket and make your own fuel.
C.  Wait for a state trooper to show, and offer him gratuitous sex in return for a ride.
D. Ask the kid with no teeth strumming the banjo where you might rent a canoe
 
 

4.  You are cruising along on Main St.  and as you approach the intersection, it changes from yellow to red.  You Should:

A. Drive directly to the nearest police station and turn yourself in.
B. Quickly turn on your emergency flashers and make siren sounds.
C. Glance at the people staring at you, as you point to the light, showing a facial expression
    that they will know means "See, it's green NOW!"
D. Have been going a little faster.
 
 

5. You are involved in a minor bumper scrape with a car in a deserted parking lot. Do you:

A.  Spend the night waiting until the owner is headed to work, and offer to pay for the damage.
B.  Kick the car that's closest to the damaged one, to make it look like they did it.
C.  Drive forward and back up faster so you can do it right this time.
D. Siphon some gas out of your tank, burn the other car, and leave a friendly note to inform them
    they'll be getting even more money.
 
 

6.  You are driving down the road when suddenly you hear a faint ticking noise from under the
      hood. You:

A. Stop the car, get out, and open the hood to listen.  Sure you're in the middle of the street, but
    this could be important.
B. Turn up the radio to make the noise go away
C. Tell Daddy you want a new Mercedes, this one's no good any more.
D.  Park the car next to the curb before any damage is done, and begin walking toward your
     destination.  That nice group of young boys on the steps wearing the funny clothes and
     colored hair will probably keep an eye on it while you are gone.
 
 

7.  You are stopped for speeding , and you are rather intoxicated.  As the officer approaches your car, you:

A.  Take off.  The cops always love to play chase.
B. Offer him a beer.
C. Tell him how silly that uniform looks on a grown man.
D. Lean out the door and barf on his shoes.
 
 

8.  You are waiting at a red light, and the guy in the sporty car next to you begins to rev his engine to a screaming whine.  When the light turns green you:

A. Fake falling asleep.
B. Rev your engine for several seconds, as if he's got a serious race on his hands. Then when the
    light turns green, proceed very slowly as he blows his transmission.
C. Put you car into reverse and back up a few feet, making him think he's crazy.
D. Post pictures of him blowing his transmission on the internet.
 
 

9. You are about to take your driving test, and you never really studied.   As the driving instructor enters your car, you :

A. Pull ahead a few feet, then back up, laughing.  He'll think it's really funny too.
B. Move out of the driver's seat and offer it to him, telling him he's got seniority.
C. Ask him what that big round thing is doing sticking out of the dashboard.
D. Ask if it's ok to stop at the beer store since you're going by.
 
 

10. Your 16-year old daughter wants to borrow the car to go out with her boyfriend. You:

A. "Accidentally" kill him and tell her you're sorry it happened.
B. "Accidentally" kill him and tell her how much gas money she just saved.
C. Tell her :   "Hey, GREAT IDEA! Where should we go, anyway?"
D. Tell the boyfriend that's your brother who owns the pharmacy.
 

 

Ok, so I figure about now, you've gotta be wondering about other MO-Rons, too. Things like "Gee, are there other MO-Rons out there? What do they do? Where do they live? Would they give me all their money if I promise them this half-eaten candy bar?"  Important stuff like that.-
 The answer, of course, is B: the red one!      Keeping that in mind, here are some genuine headlines found in newspapers from all over- real proof that MO-Rons shall inherit the earth someday. Of course they'll immediately trade it for 3 sticks of gum and a 12" piece of string...
 

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
 
 

Ok, Ok, I know what you're thinking- "I could do better than that, easy!"
 Well, as Chief, I knew that already- so, I'm providing you with that very chance!  Of course just a headline ain't enough- so here's your chance to create your very own  MO-Ronic Stories!

(Please be sure to find your way back here on your own though- the last MO-Ron that left this page was later found trying to make a living by operating a Saabs-Only car wash in the far off town of Dungfoot, Africa...)
 
 

* Within any two-mile stretch in a township or congested area, expect to see at LEAST 3 cars running red lights- by over 500 to 600 feet after it's red.

* 4-way stop signs are beyond comprehension here. Each of up to 4 people approaching from all 4 intersecting corners will stop (maybe) and wait for the others to go. But no one will move. After a full minute or so of waiting, a minimum of 2 cars will suddenly lurch forward, breaking the "stalemate"- then stop again, seeing  the other car's movement.     The process will repeat at least twice more, before someone will finally yield (or be hit broadside) and the deadlock will finally be broken.

* Yellow lights are to be considered nonexistent.  Traffic lights are only sold with them installed, as part of a set.  (To take advantage of this, the R.I.D.O.T. is currently working out a plan to replace all the yellow lights with a second red one to increase traffic flow in congested areas.) There are two colors that count on our traffic lights- green and red.  If the light is green: Most cars will wait until it is about to turn red before they proceed.  If the light is red: Most cars that were moving from what was left of the previous green light will now be moving at full speed, (which is the posted speed limit MINUS 68 percent)
and continue forward; If the light is green, and they have stopped to argue over whether to pull in to Dunkin' Donuts or Mc Donald's for the next cup of coffee, they will remain in place until the light changes back to red. Then they will go. Slowly.  Yellow lights are only to be considered a warning that the green or red lights will be showing soon,  and  other drivers will  decide what to do a few minutes after that happens. Maybe.

* Left and right directional lights are NOT turn signals; They merely indicate that the driver of that vehicle was talking with their left or right hand to make a point during conversation with their passengers, and have nothing to do with traffic control.     (If you  wish to find out what the  driver was talking about, feel free to ask while waiting at the next green light, you'll have plenty of time then.)

* To make a right turn:  There are two options here, you may choose between either :
A. Approximately 2.5 miles before actually making the turn, engage your LEFT turn signal.
B. Approximately 100 feet before making a right turn,  drive your vehicle in a manner so as to warn other drivers that you plan to make a right turn, but without using any directional turn signals :  simply bring the center of the vehicle to the left of the center stripe in the road, then suddenly make as wide a right turn as possible at the last moment.

*  To make a left turn:  Unlike right turns, directional signals must not be used.  Proceed to bear right until entering what would be considered any available parking space along the road shoulder,  until nearby cars are satisfied in thinking you are parking. Then, as they attempt to pass, suddenly veer toward your destination on the left side of the street.  Be certain to time your movement so as to eliminate any chance of other drivers figuring out your plan to turn left ahead of time.

*  Do NOT pass the following under any circumstances without making a "pit stop", unless you have stopped at one of the listed businesses within a 5 minute time span:
 Del's Lemonade
Dunkin' Donuts
Mc Donald's
 Any local chapter of the FOP
Yard Sales of any size
Family reunions, whether you are related or not
Celebrations of the Holy Ghost Feasts

You MAY, however, pass by the following at any time:
Sobriety Test traffic stops
Radar traps with signs stating you are in violation of the posted speed limit
Blinking red lights
Road Construction barricades
Funeral processions
 

* Speed limit signs :   Speed limit signs serve one purpose: To decrease your speed. there is, however, one exception.    IF the speed limit is 30 mph OR ABOVE : Proceed at NO MORE THAN 17 MPH. MAXIMUM.    IF the speed limit is 25 MPH OR BELOW: Proceed at a MINIMUM OF 40 MPH OR MORE.
 Note: As traffic congestion increases during peak travel hours, adjust speeds accordingly: drive slower in faster-posted limit zones, faster in low-limit zones.

* Rainy Conditions : Due to potential wetness of your dog's fur should he venture out in the rain, decrease your speed of travel by a minimum of 75%  during any rainy periods.  Once the rain has stopped, continue to travel at the reduced speed for a minimum of 27 hours.

* Snowy conditions :  Increase speed by a factor of 7.3 times all posted speed limits; Do NOT engage normal speed-reduction formulas at this time.  All traffic signals are to be ignored, and considered as "red", aka proceed with full inattention to nearby drivers.

* Dry,  sunny conditions :  Proceed with extreme caution. All posted speed limits should be divided by a factor of 30% maximum, with the exception of approaching red lights.

* TOLL BOOTHS:   When approaching a toll booth, one must place himself in one of two
categories :  Have correct change, or Do NOT have correct change;  Those who have correct change and/or commuter tokens MUST enter the lanes for making change/receipt requested booths.  Those who have no tokens or correct change MUST enter the "Tokens/Correct change only" aisle.
 Note:  In order to promote quality family time, you are strongly encouraged to have a child under 3 years of age attempt to throw all tokens/correct change into the collection basket; Please be certain the vehicle window is NOT directly in front of the basket, nor over halfway open at the time of the child's attempts to make payment.
 

... Each and every day, I witness events that could only be attributed to the fact that Ro-Dialin' MUST be the capitol of MO-Ronic deeds- below are some of them- I SWEAR I'm not making them up!
 

While heading to go shopping earlier today, I was blessed with the following experiences- all within a single hour :        A long "train" of cars that insisted on traveling at over 20 mph below the posted speed limit- UNTIL another car and I moved to the front of the line at a signal light, at which point the lead car floored it, trying to prevent us from going at a normal pace;      Within less than a mile, I came to another stop light. This one is very special in the fact that pedestrians are instructed NOT to cross the intersection- until the light turns GREEN!  Best of all, it's set up so that the pedestrian will be struck from a car making the corner in a hurry, giving him less chance to realize he's about to be struck down!
 A short time later, while traveling through this very same area, I was greeted with the following oncoming traffic:  an ambulance on the way to the hospital, which no one moved out of the way for;   Also a fire truck, which although it was not on the way to a fire, was heaving large amounts of water directly  at oncoming traffic from a tank on the side of the truck- at about 40 mph!  Thanks, but I prefer to wash my car myself.
 Of course this was quickly topped off by a driver at the next light who sat through the whole green light, apparently waiting for it to turn red so they could go.   Gee, I can hardly wait to hit the streets again later!

 

a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
 
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
   both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
 
3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Sports Center (Sky)

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
 
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
   is:

a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
 
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
   month. You tell her that it is:

a) Not a concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
 
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
 
8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
 
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
   at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
 
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
   of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
 
 

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still
a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

Disclaimer: Although I firmly believe these people were actually  worthy of such statements, , I claim no proof, and am only forwarding the word of others.  The  exceptions are that yes, I really did read the ones about the oregano and the lamb...
 

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
 
 

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
 
 

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde."
--Dolly Parton
 

"I'm growing Mexican oregano this year for the first time and it smells good -- like oregano. "
--   a self-proclaimed  culinary expert and food writer , name withheld
 
 

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
 
 

"I buy ground lamb a lot and am always on the lookout for different ways to use it. I buy it a lot from what we call the rotten meat department. "

--  self-proclaimed  culinary expert and food writer , name withheld
 

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
 
 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
 
 

"But what...is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip
 
 

When I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two, I didn't like it, I didn't inhale it, and never tried it again.
- William Jefferson Clinton
 
 

I love people. And when you love people that much that you're disappointed in them every day, that love can turn to hate in a flash of a second.
--Johny Depp

The movie business divides women into ice queens and sluts, and there have been times I wanted to be a slut more than anything.
-  Sigourney Weaver
 
 

God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams
 
 

I love the way men smell. I love the way they taste, their texture, the way they're built.
-- Marilu Henner
 
 

If I die before my cat, I want a little of my ashes put in his food so I can live inside him.
-- Drew Barrymore (1998)
 
 

I want to keep fighting because it is the only thing that keeps me out of the hamburger joints. If I don't fight, I'll eat this planet.
-  George Foreman
 
 

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
-- Muhammad Ali
 
 
 

I'm just an old maid with an attraction to men.
-- Janet Reno
 
 

I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.
- - Jessica Rabbit "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"
 
 

I say I'm Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin all wrapped up into one. If I die early ... I'll be just like those guys.
-  Dennis Rodman, 1997
 
 

I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults.
-- David Lee Roth
 
 

Filipinos want beauty. I have to look beautiful so that the poor Filipinos will have a star to look at from their slums.
-  Imelda Marcos
 
 

I'm a meathead. I can't help it, man. You've got smart people and you've got dumb people.
 - Keanu Reeves
 
 

I am not a crook.
- Richard Nixon
 

I'm not smart enough to lie.
- Ronald Reagan
 

I am not a lesbian and I am not a slut, and somehow I am going to make people believe me.
- Vanessa Williams
 
 
 
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.
This is what the manual said:

If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another. Tuck your chin in.
The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body. Do not panic.
After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet — always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
Be sure you have your knife.
Be sure your knife is sharp.
 
 

Leave a Comment	Handy Hop  Chart	Beginner's Guide to Home Brewing!	Brewing with Yeast Cultures	Reviews, Tips and Tricks	A Twin Pepper Brew Session
Beer Facts	Kegging Your Beer	Beer A-Z	Cats 'n Crap	The Humor Page	Beer Recipes
Beer History	Beer Quotes	Fun & Games Downloads	View my Will	Songs, Sounds,and Screen savers	The Gadgets Page
How to Treat Your Beer	Make Your Own Mead	A Quick Guide to Beer Styles	Guide to All-Grain Mashing	Important Self-Test	The MO-Ron Page
Home		Site Map			PICTURE OF THE WEEK
Twin Pepper Pizzeria	Bread and Dough Recipes	Favorite Food Recipes		Some Favorite Links	Learn How To Fix That Bad Batch!