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Other cats are often caught hanging out in our yard, usually snickering at him and constantly insulting him, so he's pretty much a home-body. However, since the neighbor's wives all feel bad for him, they always leave "treats" for him in their yards, hoping he'll be brave enough to cross the street to come get them. ( I always hope he'll get that brave too, especially when traffic on our street gets heavy. ) We always know when he's been there, because most of the time he pukes up whatever they fed him, usually as soon as he enters the house. Consistancy is NOT always a virtue!
Actually, I don't know why he bothers anyway; the only things besides Meow Mix that he seems to enjoy is an occasional jumbo shrimp and sometimes a crawling bug from the garden. Just between you and me: I don't even think he really likes the bugs; it just gives him a false sense of power, especially when he looks up and sees all those birds laughing at him.
Turd Boy is easily confused. For instance,
he's often already outside, yet he'll cry at the porch door until someone
lets him in. Immediately upon being let in, he'll run to the opposite end
of the porch and begin to cry, letting us know he wants to go out.
I realize this may sound like the act of
a smart cat, but I must tell you- there's a walkway right along side the
porch, outside, that HE COULD HAVE JUST WALKED TO WHERE HE
WANTED TO GO IN THE FIRST PLACE, never having to enter the house!
On the other hand, to his credit, he does actually exhibit one small bit
of ingenuity, though we'd like to smack him for it: If by chance
he's in the house at about 2 to 3 am, he will always want to go outside
to get beat up by the other cats.
Realizing that he needs one of us to open
a door, and also realizing our oldest daughter is the only one that's not
going to kill him for waking us all up once she's out of bed, he always
chooses her door to perform his most intelligent stunt. Reaching his paw
under the door, and grasping it with his claw, he SLAMS the door back and
forth, as loudly as an agry drunk trying to get into the bathroom to pee.
If it wasn't in the middle of the night, we'd find it hilarious. But since
it is, we just want to kill him for it.
Another similar trick is one he uses when
he's in the porch and wants to come in to bother us: he'll stick
his claws into the pretty, expensive, hand-built French door I installed,
and "PICK" "PICK" "PICK" at it, making a loud, disturbing sound as
he ruins the door that cost me a small fortune to add to our family room.
Ah, he does know how to gain attention!
T.B loves to be outside, especially when
we (or anyone else, for that matter) are outside, doing whatever it is
we are doing.
The moment he realizes someone's there,
he'll rush on over, and just PLOP on his back, rolling over as if he'd
like to be stepped on. It's always tough not to oblige, but knowing I'd
have to pull a lot of cat hair from the bottom of my shoes, I usually avoid
the temptation. He'll roll and stretch, stretch, and roll, looking like
the complete retard he really is. Even when the neighbors come home,
he'll immediately "drop and roll". The best part is that he'll even
do this if he's in the middle of the street!
Shithead, as he's affectionately known when
I'm not trying to kill him, has managed to destroy just about everything
we do to improve our house, hence our ever-increasing desire to smack his
butt across the planet. Freshly planted trees, flowers, the garden, even
the new deck roof- nothing is safe from this four-legged assault weapon.
Not once have we planted something, built something, or even just buy it
without his having to scar it for life. However, I firmly believe
that if he were yours to keep, he'd change his ways in a hurry, and be
the perfect pet! PLEASE feel free to e-mail me, and find out how
YOU can adopt Shi- er, Rocky today! I'm sure you'll be glad you did.
( I know we will!)
After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the cat and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your cat is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"Hmmm...." thought the cat's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
There are two flavors-chocolate (dark brown), and gingerbread (light brown).
The author seldom measured carefully, so the amounts may need adjustment, especially on flavoring. The cookies are dense and not very sweet, this is necesssary so that they will keep their shape during baking. If you use white flour or sugar, they may be tastier but they won't look like poopies.
Chocolate ingredients:
1/2 cup honey
2/3 cup (1 and 1/3 stick) butter, margarine,
or lard
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla or peppermint extract
2 cups whole wheat flour
1/3 cup cocoa powder
grape-nuts(tm) cereal
Gingerbread ingredients:
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup molasses
2/3 cup(1 and 1/3 stick) butter or margarine,
or lard
1 egg
2 and 1/3 cups whole wheat flour
spices-ginger, cinnamon, cloves to taste (maybe
1/2 tsp
each) grape-nuts(tm) cereal
Mix-ins:
Coconut = tapeworms
Chocolate chips = poop chunks!
Butterscotch chips = diarrhea!
Peanut butter chips = diarrhea!
Cooked spagetti or ramen noodles = roundworms
Corn = self explanatory!
Peanuts = chunks
M&Ms = decoration?
To Make:
Microwave the honey till it bubbles (about 1 minute).
Add the butter, (using lard makes for a more realistic texture and
softer cookie) and the molasses, if any. Add the egg, mix well, then mix
in all the other stuff. Add mix-ins of your choice to some or all of the
batter.
Chill 1 hour in the freezer or several hours in the fridge.
Roll dough logs of random length and the diameter of cat poops.
Roll logs in grape-nuts and bake at 350 degrees till done (about
20 minutes, but this varies so watch them.)
Serve in a disposable cat litter box on a bed of grapenuts, with a cat litter scoop. I hear you get lovely effects by decorating the box and scoop with melted chocolate or pudding. Brown sugar might work as a substitute for the new clumping litters...
Mixing brown sugar with the grapenuts "sweetens up the cookie a bit
while still looking truly hideous."
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, now there is the new Cat Miracle Diet!
Most cats are long and lean (or
tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean,
svelte figure. Just follow this diet for 4 days and you'll find that you
not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on
what constitutes food. Good Luck!
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DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean
from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it
goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half
of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet
cat food from the can you opened this morning.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up the remaining chicken from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored
gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from
your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the
rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your down-filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are
given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps,
and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew on it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive
gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken
and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat
to dry and get hard.
10 reasons why cats are better than men
1. Cats do not watch the TV and hog the remote control
2. If cats spend three hours in the garage they normally have something to show for it. OK, It's normally two mice and a piece of string....
3. Cats do not steal the duvet (quilt/bedspread)
4. Cats chase, torture and kill spiders instead of standing there saying: "it's more frightened of you than you are of him"
5. Cats do not complain about your family. They might ignore them but they don't complain.
6. Cats go out of their way to greet you when you come home. Admittedly they see you as a tin opener.
7. Cats do not bring all their friends home for dinner with no warning. If they do, they tend to help themselves from the dustbin.
8. Cats really love you.
9. Cats consider leftovers a delicacy.
10. If cats roam from home you can have them fixed.
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