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London, England-- a man believed to be responsible for the theft of an "Enigma" s machine used by the Nazi Germans during W.W.II has been arrested.
The arrest comes just one month after the machine was mysteriously sent to British journalist Jeremy Paxman, for unknown reasons.
Since the war there were only three of these devices left, this one having resided at the homes several admirers including Buddy Epson (who hoped the machine would help him rid the back yard of that awful black goo that comes-a-bubblin' up all the time), Sam Donaldson (who heard it helps reduce hair loss), and Britney Spears, in the hopes it would speed her tanning sessions.
The machine's real purpose was to encode and decode messages sent between the Nazis and local brothels, as well as pizza houses and fish hatcheries. The Nazis feared capture by Allied troops on the way to pick up the pies, and conversations overheard by local whores could be easily sold to any of a number of spies who would hang around but refuse to pay for a lady of the evening.
The machine, one of just three surviving
devices of its kind, was stolen from its display case in a previously
unheard of place called Bletchley Park.
Known for soggy fries and long lines at the roller
coaster, Bletchley Park would serve as the perfect disguise, while the
real action was learning which goose-stepper was cheating on his wife with
tender young Jewish girls, when he was supposed to be fitting them for
cake pans.
Allied troop's movements were also tracked,
but most of the machine operators refused to spend time worrying about
other people's crap as for security reasons they had to work in complete
darkness. It was tough enough trying to avoid stepping in their own.
Bletchleyn, an estate near London,
was code-named "Station X", due to the time it took to spell out the full
name Xpealicalifragileisticsuperduperdocious, as well as being a bitch
to fit into the limited spaces on most paperwork they were required to
fill out.
Its haunted house was so scary and the ferris
wheel so high, and the fact that several young Nazis were eventually discovered
to have been secretly earning $1.66 per night as Cabaret dancers by night
while serving Hitler by day, made it imperative that its existence
not be revealed until the late 1960's, when it was purchased by an unnamed
pop performer as a host site for pajama parties with orphan boys.
In October a ransom note was written in behalf
of an unknown person, who claimed they were working for "The Thighmaster".
Although the machine is valued at approximately $140,000, the note only
demanded a crate of Quarter-Pounders with Cheese, several Biggie Fries,
and a Diet Coke. The machine was to be destroyed
if the ransom was not paid in time.
Enigma was the name given to the German military
coding system used to direct ships, submarines and armies, although
Butch was a close second in the naming game. Billy-Bob trailed by
a wide margin.
Designed by very intellient but sometimes beligerent mathmatical genius Willhelm Gatesteiner, the Enigma resembled a typewriter at each end, and was connected by a series of cables that spanned the country, while radio waves promised a link to ships and u-boats around the world. Plagued by many problems, often requiring the operator to totally shut down the machine, tap a few tubes, and restart it again, the machine was far from dependable. Still it promised to be a great boon to the Third Reich, and was therefore the target of many attempts at infiltrating the system to break the codes it used.
Sometimes the British would feign orders over
the airwaves with false information for the Nazis to intercept; These
were known as Trojan Messages, in which the British would hide unseen jokes
about their enemy.
Allied troops also used other tactics to
trick the Nazis into falling for fake orders, leading them to ambushes
and other uncommon plants. While the soldiers would take in the ambush's
flowering beauty (they may have hated the Jews, but they always appreciated
a good flower garden), the Allies would shoot them at will.
Upon further investigation, it was discovered
that Michael Jackson--pop singer/weirdo extraordinaire, had arranged the
theft, and planned to have the machine delivered to a secret sleepover
facility hidden deep below an oft-frequented Boy's Club.
When asked what he planned to use the Egigma for, his reply was:
"Enig- EnIG-
ENIGMA? Whoo-Hooo Hoooooooo, I thought that man said ENEMA!"
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